Internet Archeology
Excavating my shady and foggy at best archive.
Do you remember how good it felt to backspace? What about witnessing the green light when you pushed the big box button to power on your computer? And no, I don’t remember the name, but thats its name now. Maybe you had a floppy disc digital camera in a camera bag you lugged around like a backpack. If you ran out of room taking pics or using your camcorder, you could record over it. You saved only what you truly want to capture and keep.
Using my Gateway computer felt like a ritual in and of itself.
Walk in the “computer room,” push the big button.
Becoming aware of my breath, I wait for the system to come online.
Enter my portal of communication, listening for Dial Up (Aol Mail)
Choosing who/what I respond to in my inbox. Print something off a web board. Most likely a science experiment I want to try.
Forward a chain mail that is sexual in nature without reading it to my entire middle school acquaintance.
Grounded for a month when my friends Mom from up the street calls, barely concealing her laughter. Lisa did not fucking laugh.
As I got older, I cherished my Saturday afternoon game time. Starting off strong with JumpStart, ClueFinders, and Scooby Doo, I could be left to my own devices. In middle school, I advanced to Nancy Drew and the lawless land of Youtube where I discovered porn, The Jonas Brothers and obscure documentaries all in the same place.
By my late teens, I was all in on Twitter and Facebook. I regret missing the MySpace era. I was too scared to make one and rebel against my parents. A girl at my church got caught and publicly crucified for consorting “inappropriately” with boys from church in the photo comments. I can confidently tell you they were being slut shaming cult freaks, but it was a harsh warning to the rest of us to not be “slutty on the internet” whatever that meant.
Ironically, my Scorpio rising ass was living an entire double life online. I had a modest, but growing Tumblr following where I did storytimes with gifs, obsessed over Harry Potter, Glee, Team Starkid, and whatever my latest hyperfixation was. Tumblr showed me there was a diverse world out there of art, opinions, lives and sexualities that shocked and challenged my cult bubble. I was daring to dream what a life making my own choices could look like and reading fanfiction till 4am. I made friends my parents had no idea existed. A few are still close friends today. My mother still has no idea my first college roommate was not randomly selected. We found each other using the “Nick Jonas” tag as well as the one for our soon to be college. This was also a great way to find other cool people who knew of tumblr as it wasn’t world wide yet and scope any cuties. (first rule of fight club is…) We Skyped and texted for several months, requested each other and boom. Lifelong relationship formed. Another girl I was friends with my freshman year transferred schools JUST because some tumblr friends went there. Nuts.
GTalk and Yahoo Messenger, were for keeping up appearances online for our parents, but once we figured out we could delete chat histories things got a little more reckless. Away messages with pointed song lyrics aimed at your crush were crack to me. Seriously. I’d rush to my laptop after dinner and see their away msg was idling, switched to a song with pointed romantic lyrics. “Did he want me to see this?” Later, I’d read message threads in my gmail history I hadn’t deleted and analyze the data, wondering if he felt the same overwhelming waves of passion I did. Ahh teenage hormones. I hear they sorta come back in menopause. I’m down.
For my deepest secrets, I went back to my roots. AOL Mail was the perfect conduit to weave spells of protection and lock. shit. up. Just two pretty best friends doing some REAL gay shit. With no physical space unmonitored and items taken away at whim by our parents, we knew they didn’t navigate the digital realm as well as we did. Even when they took our tech, they didn’t exactly know how to break IN to it!
In the real world, our families kept us apart as much as possible, religious shame was constant. Our physical proximity was limited, crowded, and anxiety riddled. In our shared inbox, we had privacy. I could login and craft an email aimed at a parent, flaky friend, or examine my own self loathing. Some of our emails admitted to darker thoughts, forbidden fantasies, confessions of harm done to ourselves. Knowing the other may choose to read it or not was part of the fun. We had an agreement they were not to be discussed with each other. It was our escape. My pulse would jump when some of her emails spoke of our secret relationship or attraction which was also where we kept an analog of our affair and being each other’s firsts. A shrine dedicated to bisexual confusion and teen angst.
I lost the email along with the relationship and most of the memories. I’ve tried to excavate it over the years. The emails, not the relationship. Some things are better left to the digital void.
Lately, I’ve been trying to curate my own digital realm of creativity. If I am going to use the internet, I want to remember how it felt to consume it as an adventure and a portal. Who do I want to reach? What do I want to intake?
How can I make it a sensory experience again?
My digital footprint is regrettably larger than I’d like. I find myself backpedaling dramatically with an urge to disappear entirely. When you get handed a new universe as a middle schooler, you have zero boundaries. Millennials everywhere are swiftly learning the internet is like all gods. Fickle and dangerous. They can give life or suck it out of you.
I looked up why Gateway computers faded into obscurity: Gateway began the construction of a massive 44,000-square-foot building in 1991 to improve manufacturing speeds. However, Gateway was unable to keep its quality standards. While sales increased, product quality deteriorated.
A tale as old as capitalism. We were never meant to output like this. Quality standards and creation come from a balanced life and a human touch. Remove the soul and the balanced ecosystem and it drains everything/one it encompasses.
I’m thankful for the Internet. I’d probably still be in cult life without it. I met people and experienced worlds, artists and knowledge I may never have otherwise. The digital realm can connect us and help raise aid, important issues, ideas, while promoting people who truly deserve the attention when we use it wisely. If I’m logging in, I want to discover, weave portals and spread news. I choose to connect intentionally over long distances. When the scales tilt and life becomes nothing but a series of screens, we have lost the plot.
Our bodies, minds and spirits need us. So do our people. Get in your life and log out. And if you do log in, make the internet fun and informative again.
Housekeeping 🧹
Events/Announcements 📣
🔮 Witchy Journaling Circle: Monday, May 19th 7pm EST
I host a monthly circle with curated journaling prompts, sensory meditation, a brief astro transits report and collective reading.
Last months themed prompts are on Desire and will be shared in my Subscriber chat.
Last weekend, I got to read tarot for a bachelorette group. Pulling cards with a margarita in hand is pretty fun! 🤩 They were so much fun and the conversations led to such interesting places. Intuitive insight mixed with dick confetti made for a memorable evening.
Have cards, will travel. Book tarot with me for night in with the girls, I just quit my evil job celebration, birthday parties etc. 😎
Celebrated Beltane at the state park. Highlights included blue gatorade and ice cream sandwiches, and guitar music from a stranger to accompany my pulls. Perfect Day.
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